The typical Brass Band
Eb Soprano Cornet:- Too loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult
part in the band.
Principal Cornet:- conceited, uses too much vibrato.
Second man:- either thinks he would make a better principal, or hero worships the
principal.
Third man down:- loud brutal musical thug with lots of stamina and no finesse.
1st Cornets:- waiting for a chance to play principal
2nd Cornets:- Hesitant, out of tune, but can play a bottom C
Flugelhorn:- plays flat. Can't decide whether to be a cornet or a horn
Solo Horn:- Usually a big girlie - irrespective of whether a male or female player
1st Horns:- Can play a unison tone in tune if one of them is dead.
2nd Horns:- No chance of ever playing in unison.
1st Baritone:- useless player, out of tune all the time
2nd Baritone:- even worse player. Only there to show what the first baritone could
do if he tried
2 Euphoniums:- show-off and trainee show-off
1st Trombone:- steam driven. Rasps most of the time
2nd Trombone:- sloppy player, but can rasp even at pianissimo
Bass trombone:- chainsaw with vibrato
2 Eb basses:- look like two drunken men
2 Bb basses:- sound like two drunken men
Percussion:- Has lots of noisy toys which must be used in the most inappropriate
way possible. Must be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.
Conductor:- So devoid of musical ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good!
A Couple of Jokes
Q: What is the difference between the horn section and a 'Ford Focus?
A: You can tune a 'Ford Focus.
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What do you need when a group of conductors are up to their necks in concrete?
A: More concrete..
Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A: Put a sheet of music in front of him.
Q: What's the range of a baritone?
A: About 50 feet with a good throwing arm
Q: Why did they bury the conductor 20 feet under?
A: Because deep down, he was a really nice guy.
Q: What's the difference between a cornet player and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don't know either.
